Fix (tures)

What we dream about...


This season’s new fixtures are out and, as expected, Liverpool begin another doomed tilt at the Premiership away from home again. Twice over the last nine seasons can I remember us being at home: West Ham in 2001 and Chelsea about four or five years ago.

I’m not paranoid, I know they’re out to get us.

By the time we get the Champions League qualifying round out of the way, we will be about six points behind United who have a favourable opening against Keegan’s Newcastle, a team they usually thrash about five nil. Arsenal have lovely opener against West Brom, Chelsea have a more competitive match against Pompey and the blue shite take on Blackburn.

*********************************

Two best games of Euro 2008 thus far have been Holland v France, a thrilling end-to-end (especially in the 2nd half) match that could have ended 5-4, a bit like the Italy v Holland game in fact. However, the Czechs being knocked out by the Turks last night in such dramatic fashion beats all so far. Just goes to show that a piss-poor first forty-five minutes can be followed by non-stop thrills and entertainment. And Petr Cech taking a leaf out of the John Terry Book of Balls Ups too. Wonderful.

Oh the thrill of it all!

The Bleat From Pleat

A Sheep, not to be confused with David Pleat

Will someone at ITV please inform David Pleat, gently if need be - it may come as a bit of a shock, that the Berlin Wall has been demolished and that the cold war is over. Also inform him that since 1993 the Czechoslovakian Republic, as he calls it, has not existed. There are now two distinct countries: the Czech Republic and Slovakia. Indeed it was the former, the Czech Republic, that took on Portugal yesterday evening in Geneva.

The Ruud van Nistelrooy Invisibility Cloak

For Sale: The Ruud van Nistelrooy Invisibility Cloak. Available after Euro 2008. One careful owner. Used to great effect in English Premier League for many years. Enables wearer to wander undetected in opponents penalty area without the inconvenience of an offside flag. Would suit a new arrival to Premier League - possibly a new Chelsea centre forward to take the place of soon to depart cheat Didier Drogba. Apply to Mr. van Nistelrooy c/o Real Madrid Football Club.



Invisibility Cloak - Works Time After Time...

Balls

Tournament Cliché Numero Uno:

How long will it be before punters, commentators, experts, and indeed goalkeepers begin to question the ‘new’ Euro 2008 ball? I’d say we’d be lucky to get through the first half of the first game. And as always the suggestion will be that we will see a veritable tsunami of goals curling and swerving in from thirty/forty yards. Dodgy goalkeepers will swear that the ‘lightness’ of the ball and its abrupt change of direction in mid-air had them diving in the wrong direction. The reality will be little change or the odd superb piece of skill that will ultimately be blamed upon the ‘new’ ‘lighter’ balls instead of the Jens Lehmann's ancient eyes.

To which we can only reply: complete and utter balls.

3 out of 170

There is a reason why England are playing Trinidad and Tobago today and not taking part in Euro 2008 next weekend. Out of the 170 English players starting in the Premier League last season, I reckon the top five European nations (Germany, Spain, Italy, France and Portugal) would only choose 3. I know I would. After Gerrard, Rooney and Ferdinand, I'd be struggling to include another English player in my side. How many world class players do England possess? Not many is the answer and that's why - alongside some appalling managerial decisions - they will have a long holiday this summer and watch many of the world's best players on TV.

More here.

This is the first draft of my Daily Telegraph fantasy team:

442

I Casillas (Spain)


Miguel (Port)
T Ujfalusi (Czech)
C Metzelder (Ger)
V Corluka (Cro)


R Quaresma (Port)
A Iniesta (Spain)
C Ronaldo (Port)
W Sneijder (Holl)


L Podolski (Ger)
F Torres (Spain)

Still needs some fine-tuning.

Torres, Torres...

"His armband proved he was a red Torres, Torres..."

Back – By No Particular Demand…

This blog will reappear soon, and hopefully on a more regular basis too. This is due to me becoming an exiled scouser – one of the many thousands I presume – as my job has taken me to a new location; one that is not conducive to attending every home game. Thus after thirty years near continual attendance at Anfield, and dozens and dozens of away grounds home and abroad - and after twenty years of being a season ticket holder - I’m now giving up attending football on a weekly/fortnightly basis. I shall still hopefully get to a few games when time and proximity allow, however.

Over the next couple of weeks I shall attempt to update the links and try and keep up regular posting. In meantime, anybody got any good John Terry jokes?

I’ve heard a couple:

Anne Summers has brought out a new lubricant called KY Terry…It’s designed to help you slip in the box more easily.

And John Terry is to take up a lucrative sponsorship deal with a Russian vodka maker. Insiders will only say this about the product at this moment: IT’S BOTTLED IN MOSCOW!

I thaaaaaannk you!

Quick! Let’s Find A Scapegoat!

What did Wayne Rooney actually say to the ref after that incident on Saturday against World Cup cheats Portugal? Being a lip reader I could clearly see that Rooney said: “I went for the ball, Ref.”

The Ref replied: “Yes, Wayne, but the ball(s) you went for belonged to Ricardo Carvalho!”

The way England departed the competition was in keeping with what went before. They beat three football giants – Paraguay, Trinadad and Tobago (they only counts as one) and Ecuador. All non-European opposition, brimming with mediocre players. We drew with Sweden and Portugal and only began to play half-decent football when Beckham (if he’s a captain my arse is a swiss roll!) and Rooney (clearly unfit, both mentally and physically) left the pitch. We defended well against a team that did not have a striker (Pauletta is a shop window dummy with a license to roam) and conceded two goals to a team that were well and truly hammered by the Germans.

The cyclops-like English nationalists will bemoan Portugese play acting and the lottery of the penalty shoot out. However, the truth is England could not beat a very ordinary Portugal side. They could not beat a very poor Swedish team and were shown how to play with skill and passion by teams such as Ivory Coast and Ghana.

Contrast the England captain with the French captain. After two poor games France, led by one of the greatest players of all time, looked like they could go out and that Zidane’s career would end with a wimper rather than a bang. He was suspended for the must win Togo game and many thought the side looked better without him.

Given a second chance, however, he inspired his team to beat a very good Spanish side and last night played like a teenager on the public parks, showing delight and a touch that most English players could only dream about. Along with Patrick Vierra, Zidane knew this was his last chance and now looks set to lead out his team in a World Cup final against either Germany or Italy.

Well done, Zizou. As the cliché goes: form is temporary, class is permanent.


**********************************************

The scapegoats? Let’s see. Here is my handy English football fans’ Scapegoat Guide:

Christiano Ronaldo...................Scapegoat Ratings 9
Wayne Rooney.........................Scapegoat Ratings 6
Sven Erikson.........................Scapegoat Ratings 8
David Beckham........................Scapegoat Ratings 5
Cheating foreigners..................Scapegoat Ratings 10
Argentinian Ref......................Scapegoat Ratings 9
The pitches..........................Scapegoat Ratings 4
The heat.............................Scapegoat Ratings 8
The penalty takers...................Scapegoat Ratings 5
Cheating foreigners..................Scapegoat Ratings 10
Being collectively shit..............Scapegoat Ratings 2
Penalties............................Scapegoat Ratings 5
Cheating foreigners..................Scapegoat Ratings 10
Steve McLaren........................Scapegoat Ratings 2
Peter Crouch.........................Scapegoat Ratings 3
Cheating foreigners..................Scapegoat Ratings 10
Man Utd..............................Scapegoat Ratings 5



England's Player of the Tournament: Theo Walcott. Didn't put a foot wrong. What a mascot.

World Cup Dream Team

Team of the Tournament so far. This is not just based on the best eleven players, but is an attempt to structure a workable team from the best players thus far and is not built upon reputation before the competition started. Hence Beckham, Zidane, Totti, Ronaldo etc don’t get a look in.

GK Petr Cech (Czech Rep)

RB: Willy Sagnol (France)
CH: Rafael Marquez (Mexico)
CH: Roberto Ayala (Argentina)
LB: Philipp Lahm (Germany)

RW: Maxi Rodriguez (Argentina)
MID: Kaka (Brazil)
MID: Javier Mascherano (Argentina)
LW: Arjen Robben (Holland)

FOR: Fernando Torres (Spain)
FOR: Miroslav Kloser (Germany)

Three subs to be used for impact if things are going pear-shaped:

Lionel Messi (Argentina)
Harry Kewell (Australia)
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)

Right back has been a struggle, I have to admit. But even though France has been shite, Willy Sagnol has been consistent and just shades it over Cicinho (Brazil) who only played against Japan. And the attacking midfielder role was a toss up between Kaka and Riquelme (Argentina), which Kaka just shades thus far. I’d be tempted to throw Steven Gerrard on at right back, as he is probably the best right back in the tournament even though potentially (if used correctly) he is the best midfielder. But he has not yet played in that position (full back) and thus cannot be judged or selected.

With two goal scorers, two goalscoring wide men, a creative midfielder, a solid defensive midfielder and a solid back four and the brilliant Cech in goal, this team would take on, and beat, all comers…apart from the might Liverpool Football Club that is.

Feel free, if you wish, to criticise and reveal my tactical know-how to be as extensive as Sven’s.

Two Headlines I Couldn’t Post Because I Was Too Busy

TOGO FISTED BY OTTO

BRAVO, BRAVO MEXICO

And

FAT FRANK, FUCK OFF!

That’s just my petty prejudice against the lazy rotund Chelsea midfielder seeping out of my fevered mind. David Platt for the 21st century.

*******************************************

The greatest puzzle (apart from fat boy Ronaldo being on the pitch) thus far in the competition concerns Iran. What has happened to the players’ facial hair? Watch the news about Iran and observe the pictures from down town Tehran and you see the streets overflowing and peopled with bearded men. Don't they know they are letting down their countries easy stereotypes? Maybe this is the reason behind their swift exit and poor displays.